By Karen Martin

Staff reporter

kamartin@elkintribune.com

Domestic violence is not a topic that is openly talked about. Victims of domestic violence often feel ashamed, afraid, and embarrassed. Those who have never experienced violence of any kind don’t speak of it because it is not in their lives and is not a topic that one would casually sit around and discuss. The general public usually cannot comprehend the reasons why a victim stays in the relationship.

Couples who do have a relationship that involves physical and/or mental abuse often have a lifestyle of “unspoken rules.”

The male is most commonly the abuser and sets rules of his own making where the female is concerned. These rules also pertain to any children within the relationship.

The “unspoken rules” are usually those of don’t show and don’t tell, or it will be much worse the next time. Also, the threat of “you belong to me, you’ll do what I say when I say it,” and even such things as “I’ll never let you leave, I’ll kill you first.” Unfortunately many women do die each year at the hands of their abuser.

There are some cultures in the world where it is not only permitted but also expected if the wife is discovered doing or saying anything outside of the rules or expectations of their culture.

Cultures of the past can still be found in 2009. These cultures cater to the idea that the woman is to stay home, bear children, prepare meals, clean, cook and tend to the landscape and livestock.

Although many might argue that this culture couldn’t possibly still exist, there are those who still live well off the beaten path — and nowhere near the technology highway — who still practice the ideas and ideals of their ancestors. To their way of thinking, the unspoken rules are their golden rules.

Common rules for these relationships are disallowing the spouse to maintain friendships outside of the circle of the abuser’s friends, and alienating their spouses from family, making them completely dependent on them for all their financial and emotional needs.

Victims of domestic violence tell of experiences that show common threads in these relationships.

Verbal abuse is often the catalyst in a violent relationship. Alcohol and drug abuse are commonly found in the abuser also. Experts are often quoted as saying that abusers were abused themselves as children or experienced abuse of a parent.

Domestic violence is an epidemic. Thousands upon thousands of women are hit, belittled, demeaned and maimed each day across the United States alone. Some abusers are thought to have deep physiological conditions that prevent them from sustaining a healthy, peaceful relationship. Arguments can be made from many points as to the suspected causes of why one person turns to physical and mental abuse of a spouse or supposed loved one, but to the abused victim, there are no reasons or explanations for the abuse.

While many fall to being victims of their own loss of confidence and blaming themselves for the abuse that is inflicted upon them, they still have the right to be treated with respect and not be abused. Yet self-esteem seems to be the first thing they lose after the first instance of abuse, whether verbal or physical.

Many victims have spoken of disbelief after the first incident. The women spoken to in the victims accounts in this series all seemed to believe that it wouldn’t happen again. Yet when it did, they stayed in the relationships. Emotional ties run deep and are not easily broken, even when the first hit occurs. Many abuse victims feel if they can just do something better, try harder or change the person they are committed to, the abuse will stop. Unfortunately, rarely does that happen.

Some victims of abuse suffer for years before getting away from the abuse. Others remain in the situation until the abuser leaves the relationship; some never leave.

Although difficult for some to believe, domestic violence occurs in homes of individuals who are well-educated with excellent careers, as well as homes of the uneducated and impoverished. Some experts claim that one out of every 20 households has some form of domestic violence within its walls. That means that a neighbor, family member, co-worker, or friend could be experiencing domestic violence.

Anyone who suspects signs of abuse in someone they know could offer help. Sometimes, just the acknowledgement of the violence is all it takes to give the victim the courage to seek help.

Victims of domestic violence can seek help to remove themselves from the situation. There are agencies, support groups and emergency help for those who reach out. Calling 911 will bring immediate help. Emergency shelters are available for those who need it.

In this area, the Surry County domestic violence program provides a 24-hour emergency crisis line, court accompaniment, support groups, client counseling, emergency transportation, emergency offsite shelter and other services to support victims of domestic abuse.

It can be contacted by calling 786-6155, or 911 on weeknights and weekends.