Andy Matthews
Home andaway

To quote one of the more popular phrases this past week, I've decided to "go in another direction."

Yep, it's finally time for me to transition into a more meaningful field. And what better way to do that than to formally decline Democrat Barack Obama and Republican John McCain's tempting offers as a running mate.

I know. I know. It comes as a major disappointment to both political parties. But you see, I've found a much more challenging job closer to home. And although I've not formally applied, petitions have been circulating throughout county government and local political circles with my name. So, today, I am officially announcing my intentions to seek the Yadkin County Manager's position. I've prepared a short statement for the press.

My press secretary will distribute copies of them later. OK, I'll hand them out in front of the county courthouse. Here goes:

"I guess you wonder why I've gathered all of you here today in front of the GOP building in downtown Yadkinville. I know that many of you have driven a great distance, perhaps all the way from Windsor's Crossroads. So, I'll make this brief. I want to be your next county manager. And I'm ready to face the challenges of the future . . .

"For those who say we can't create enough downtown parking spaces in Yadkinville for county employees, I say 'Yes We Can!'" And for those who say that we remain a county mired in litigation with no new jail under construction, I simply reiterate 'Yes We Can!'" And lastly, for all of those cynics who believe that this county can never approve a county-wide alcohol referendum, I look to East Bend and a future ABC store and say 'Yes We Can!'"

Now, to borrow from another popular phrase, "All of this will not be accomplished within this fiscal year. It may not be accomplished during my brief tenure as county manager. But let us begin!"

I would like to read from a cover letter I have sent to County Attorney Jim Graham that I believe will demonstrate why I am vastly more qualified for the job than any other applicant.

To: Jim Graham

From: Andy Matthews

Re: Yadkin County Manager's position

Date: July 30, 2008

Dear Mr. Graham:

Attached please find my colorful and quite entertaining resume for the position of county manager. Unlike other applicants who will bore you with their qualifications and experience, I will save that mundane task for later. I simply want to give you a quick idea of my background and reasons for making this application.

Since I was a young boy, I have dreamed of being Yadkin County's manager. I watched previous managers at budget sessions and commissioner meetings as they struggled to meet the approval of the board, feeling their pain and intuitively understanding their anguish. And I said to myself "I can do that."

I know it sounds a little silly, but we all have dreams. Mine is to manage the day to day operations of Yadkin County government. I assure you that I have had more than adequate training for this task. In addition to my master's degree in public administration, I have attended innumerable commissioner meetings, which I believe qualifies me for either a doctoral degree or years of psychological counseling.

At any rate, I won't bore you with my steadfast devotion and loyalty to Yadkin County. I believe my blunt personality, combined with frequent inappropriate comments about local politics, makes me the ideal candidate for this illustrious position.

I understand there is one liability that I will need to correct in order to secure this position. Obviously I would not entertain this kind of career change unless I was willing to change my party affiliation. Although I certainly respect and admire the lone Democrat on the board, I understand that being a Republican is the number one prerequisite for the job.

If you require additional information, please feel free to contact me at The Yadkin Ripple office. In the meantime, I will be practicing for my new role as the spokesperson for our beloved county commissioners.

Waiting with baited breath,

Andy

P.S. I have a new county motto in mind. It goes something like this: "If you're going to live in Yadkin County, you got to think like Yadkin County."

What do you think?